CHAPTER THREE – extract

22 SHADES OF WOMEN

Even though trying to fit women into boxes is a completely inadequate method for understanding their differences, this book, which could be described as a hybrid between a manual and fiction, labels women only for the purposes of easing the path to understanding them.It is important to understand that women change through different periods of their lives. It also helps to know how your woman interprets the work–life balance. That way, you will be able to work out the “type” of her mental installation and how to be compatible with it. And, if you don’t become compatible with it, you will at least be able to understand why that is.

I named one of the shades Carmen. Carmen represents the social actualization of womanhood. She found her first job, moved out of her parents’ place, and is in her period of independence. She represents women that got to where they are by taking chances, learning, and achieving smaller goals. Goals that they have probably set out in their earlier years. However, Carmen has a problem.

Ever since the emancipation of women from the kitchen, there has been too much pressure put on women to take over both male and female roles, particularly in the last few decades.  Today, we all applaud the single mother with an impressive career. to be honest, it takes courage to be a single parent.  However, we often overlook a woman who is happily married and has a healthy family life, with both herself and her husband making enough money to be able to enjoy various family activities. The latter situation should also be seen as an achievement, but it just sounds too old-fashioned to admire. Unfortunately, women that manage to stand up against society’s belief that they should be as tough as men, if not tougher – are rare. Nowadays, women are pursuing an odd kind of independence, despite the fact that this is contrary to their primal nature. I am not saying that equality is not needed – it is vital  in our society! However, I believe that women should feel more comfortable being sheltered by men and focusing on being affectionate and caring, because it is in their primal nature. But today, that scenario has become hard to achieve.

This problem does not just affect women. Today, men are also under pressure from society. By women’s emancipation from the kitchen, men are no longer seen as the protectors, and women are no longer seen as someone that men have to take care of. Actually, in some ways, women have become their rivals in today’s society, which has further strengthened men’s need to feel important. Many men create that feeling by remaining bachelors in order to keep their freedom. But, to be honest, that freedom is not real. I believe, it represents a search for a neutral non-competitive area in the society of women. In that hoped-for area, women wouldn’t compete, but rather would co-operate with men. Short-term relationships are good example of that. They allow men to enjoy pleasure that requires the involvement of a woman but for a shorter period of time, and without commitments. By placing both men and women under particular kinds of stress, we have entered a period of ‘every (wo)man for themselves’ where men don’t need women, and women don’t need men. At least, that is what we believe. It makes us feel safe.

So, if we look at the current state of our social environment, we see that women are often not able to let go and be protected by men because women have suppressed their innermost need for being protected by men. Simultaneously, men have suppressed their instinct to be the protector of their family.. Therefore, we can no longer rely on each other.

Thus, many women in their Carmen period gear up for an independent career with no room left for protectors. In short, they become self-sufficient. They can survive with or without a man. That also means self-sufficiency and individuality is what guides their thoughts and actions.

Carmen also has another characteristic. In addition to being independent, she is starting to develop a strong maternal instinct. The internal need to take care of someone is the strongest in this period. Developing this instinct has also been affected by society, which now encourages many career-oriented, self-sufficient women to start a family and have children. This external and internal pressure forces Carmen to frantically search for a suitable male to achieve this unexpected new goal. Men use short-term relationships to satisfy some of their needs that require women. The same can be said for women who use men to help them satisfy their need for motherhood. Consequently, many women often settle for the wrong man. Because of their biological clock is ticking, they rush into a relationship.  If Carmen wants to have a child less than a year into the relationship, she is most likely succumbing to the pressure of her mental installation. Why else would the usually rational Carmen make such a hasty decision? Her independence gives her the confidence to feel prepared to risk the potential future break-up with the father of her children. Women have become independent enough to be able to live with or without a man, and divorce has become ordinary. Of course, Carmen will input this into her installation calculation.

How can you make Carmen happy?

Recognizing  Carmen’s successful career acknowledges her nature. Recognizing and admiring her life achievements, her toned body, her healthy skin, and her styled hair are essential in order to be in a successful relationship with Carmen. She strives for all of those attributes to be appreciated and recognized. She might try to hide behind her feelings of self-sufficiency, but Carmen will always enjoy the confirmation you will give her as her man. In the competition of being physically attractive and having a successful career that is taking place among women, their partners are responsible for confirming their success. You, as her chosen partner, are one of the  most important factors in her search for approval, even though she may not be aware of that. A man that directly and honestly expresses his appreciation  for his woman receives her respect in return, which also makes him feel important. This turns the attention away from the competition mentioned above, which is often also felt by men. So, express a desire to take care of her while fully acknowledging and admiring her independence. Give her credit for her past efforts, which have made her an independent and equal partner, while letting her know that you want to be her protector because she is one of the most precious things in your life.


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